Letting Your Children Win

Destroyer Divine's Commentary on....
"To let them win, or not to win?"

That is the age old question has propped up in conversations between me and Sharon at different intervals during our year and a half old relationship. My stern reasoning permits me to ask, "Why should I?"
Sharon, wants me to cave in out of sake of being "nice" to my children, but, I just can't cave in like that. Several questions would arise out of it, such as, "Daddy, you let me win didn't you?" or "Can you play me and actually TRY this time?" Children do actually want to give their all in what they do. By beating Jihan in chess, forces her to work on her game so that she will try harder the next time. Thus, when she actually beats the crap out of me, (*sarcasm included* yeah right!) in the distant future, she'll look back at all of those losses as necessary because without them, she would not appreciate the sweetness of victory. Of course, we have to temper that future win with grace, good sportsmanship and humility, but those are traits that will come through as I continue to play her. I may tease her a little, but never to the point where her feelings are crushed. A little ribbing may be annoying, but that annoyance if given with love and a wink, will give her the necessary will to continue working to best her father, not only in chess, but in other things, such as better job, more education, ect.

In this day and age of political correctness and making sure that we adults place emphasis on making sure that when our children compete, they are all given awards, somehow doesn't sit well with me. Please, allow me to give you my opinion on this.

I have always felt that life is a sketch of "survival of the fittest" and "the strong dictate to the weak". Yes, that may seem to be a bit harsh for some people who choose to coddle their young ones, but I don't see that as a viable option in raising my children. They are tough and aggressive. There are two types of people in the world, "carnivores and herbivores". I am in the carnivore group. What I mean by "carnivores and herbivores" is the following:
Carnivores take what they want, do what they want within reason, and take control of their lives. Herbivores do the opposite, they ask for what they want, the do what is permitted by others and they allow others to run their lives for them. I want my children to be in control of their own destinies so, I would rather err on the side of the "carnivore" group any day.

Losing at certain games, situations and the like are an integral part of life. Should we as parents, shield our children of these situations where they don't win? I argue the point, that we shouldn't. Life is full of wining and losing, and to shield them from it does them no good at all. Actually it harms them on the point of irresponsibility in many cases.

On a documentary I once watched about beauty contests for young girls, I noticed that there are often "tons" of categories in each pageant, so that as many of these girls go home with a prize, thus, helping them "enhance" their self esteem. I for one wouldn't let Jihan, my daughter, enter into something like a beauty pageant (as beautiful as she is), as I feel it demeans women and places them into the category of cattle at an auction, or could be a means of entering into a situation where a pedophile could end up being my daughter's "number one fan". So, that's out of the question. As far as the self esteem issue, I feel that children, especially girls, parents should take that extra time to praise them, reassure them and give them all of the ego building tools that will be necessary for them as adults. Nowadays, with parents not using their skills their parents taught them, now rely on television to take care of and teach their children.
In my household, my children have no such "babysitter" as their television time is extremely limited and completely dictated by me. They know to read or do something constructive, and often times, rather stay away from television for the most part.
It has to be that way, as I am fundamentally responsible for how they turn out as adults. Television as a teacher in how people are supposed to look and behave, is a poor teacher, so why is it that parents allow their children to spend hour upon hour watching it is beyond me. This use of television creates many of those unrealistic impressions of beauty that damage self esteem and what's real and what's fiction.
Jihan, as well as Mik'el Jr. are well aware of how they look and take pride in their appearance, but not so much that they are conceited. I have taken great pains to let them know that they are wonderful and beautiful, inside and out. Television, in my household is something that's more of a decorative fixture than an appliance, as it should be.

So, in the picture above, in the game between Jihan and me, you can see her seriously thinking about the next move. As she was thinking, a part of me was thinking that I should let her win so that her feelings don't get hurt, but then, the common sense side took over and decided to crush her as fast as I could.

Jihan lost in 6 moves the first game, and then she lost the next with all of her pieces captured while she only captured two of mine.

Her response?

A firm handshake and the following statement, "One day, I'm going to beat you so bad, that you'll never want to play chess again! How about next weekend? Loser wears underwear on their head around the house?"

How's that for self esteem and the will to dust yourself off and play until you get the results you want? I think my daughter is coming along quite nicely!

Chaos versus Order

This segment will be a weekly occurrence spaced out between my daily ramblings about my life, problems, issues and whatever else. These viewpoints will be the actual highlight of this blog, as the title of it does actually say something about "commentaries". As I come up with certain things that I feel are important enough to bring up as either topics of conversation or just things that need further examination, I will place them here. Without further ado....


Destroyer Divine's Commentary on "Chaos versus Order".


I bring this one up because this morning, my son and I had a major dispute over the fact that I have instituted a highly organized means of doing things and he feels that it's "unjust" because he likes his things where he can get them at a moment's notice. Case in point, the simple matter of laying out one's clothing for the next day, the night before, or the simple task of keeping a room clean and straight, is the problem for him.
Mik'el Jr., being a very vocal 7 year old, and as many young boys are, has his own way of doing things, which seems to run counter to how I want things to be.

Destroyer Divine Jr. loves chaos. Destroyer Divine Sr. loves order. So, the daily battle of wills is a very continual issue in our household.

Mik'el Jr. is a slacker!

He says that I'm anal retentive, knows what it means and knows how to spell it!

Yet, his embracing of chaos and disorganization is from my view a means of "rebellion". Now, of course, my children are very respectful and do say the mandatory, "Yes Sir!" or "Yes Ma'am!" but do have minds of their own, so my son's actions really don't constitute rebellion or disrespect in the least, as he's just expressing his version of things. Seriously though, he really is a good boy and does work hard, it's just this one issue where we don't see eye to eye and it's really getting to me.

On the flip side of all of this is my oldest child, Jihan. *Angelic Music playing in the background*

Jihan, my beautiful and so very helpful daughter, is quickly entering the ranks of the highly organized, as she has the maturity to understand that if she does things to keep things organized, it not only frees up valuable play time, but makes her father very happy.
From her point of view, she feels that I will be more likely to be willing to give her what she wants, if she gets her chores and tasks done. She is so very smart and sweet, but very manipulative to the extreme.
Jihan is a negotiator through actions, though and I must keep in mind that she is actually doing this to make me happy because she's a "Daddy's Girl" and loves to please me, but she's also carrying an ulterior motive on just about everything she's doing. She'll do all of the necessary things to keep approval, and then will hit you up with a copious selection of her wants, such as the school dance on Friday night, (where she can see the boy she likes, but doesn't think I know about), a whopping $20.00 for afore mentioned dance to "buy drinks and to get into the dance", or her friend's sleep over on Saturday night, which by the way will have every popular girl in her grade attending, and she HAS to go or risk being seen as a "LOSER". Oh, the agony of it all!

Or, she'll offer her assistance on a chore that I am currently doing to basically hold it as political capital for something that she wants in the future, or can use to bargain her way out of a failure of a past chore (ie. "Oooops I forgot to do the dishes last night, but remember that I helped you with the vacuuming, dusting and laundry all this week? And you didn't even have to ask me. Did you?!?!").
Can you say, Republican Party hopeful in the not so distant future?


Mik'el Jr. does bring me great joy, don't get me wrong, but it's just that he is so very much like his mother that the disagreements that his mother and I had over general household cleanliness, neatness of dresser drawers, or just simple home maintenance are still very much alive and well. It's like he's taken up her cause of sheer laziness and the pursuit of a trashed room just because he knows that those are the things that I despise the most, to either get more attention, or just because he doesn't feel like doing what he's supposed to. It's like he's standing on a prominent hill or mountain, waving a torn, grimy, smudged up, white banner with the words "DIRTY PEOPLE OF THE WORLD UNITE!!!!" written in bold grungy black-brown, scrawled letters.

Or is it that he just doesn't have my genetic disposition for neatness? Is that part of the mental make up that Marie's (my ex-wife's) side of him that tends to dominate, as I would like to believe or just the simple doings of a little boy? I don't know, nor do I really care, as we're all adaptable, and can adjust to almost anything.



Besides, I'm the "head honcho" and it's MY way or else!



So, I'll entertain this little "fracas" over housework and organization for a while and work to make it a learning experience for my son, as in the end, once he's an adult, I want him to say about me, the exact same things I say about MY father. Oh yeah, this is definitely one of those "I told you so" moments for my father, as we had the same battles when I was younger.

Yeah, I was once a slob in major fashion, but my transition to the ranks of the organized occurred rather abruptly once I found out that if you aspire to be truly lazy, organization is actually your best friend as it frees up loads of time and energy which, could be spent doing the things you want to do rather than what your parents want. Why is it that Mik'el Jr. can't grasp this concept, as he is absolutely brilliant? I think it's because he has his mother's laissez faire attitude towards housework and even life itself. He's a free spirit and just can't see the application of order in his life, and how it relates to other areas. He's the youngest in his class and at the top of it, so, I know he's a hard worker. There was talk of moving him up a grade last year, but Marie and I decided to veto that one as he didn't have the maturity of his classmates. This latest incident does kind of validate that decision, but I always hope that my children will prove me wrong in situations such as this, but so far, I'm batting a thousand.

While I may be somewhat of a neat freak, I am not so overboard that if I see a misplaced item that I'm going to lose sleep over it just because it isn't in the place it's supposed to be. Now, I've dated women who were like that and even enjoyed it for a while because there was that common tie, but that can be something that may be a serious mental condition, if it gets to scrubbing the cement on the garage floor daily. Yet, to want to live in an environment of complete and utter disregard for keeping things straight, isn't going to happen in my household, and the sooner my son realizes that this is the law, he'll be better for it.
Nor, will I be swayed by a 7 year old who says, "Daddy, but in a messy room, I can find everything because it's all over the floor." because right now, I'm the one paying the mortgage and I have him beat with 33 years more of lifetime experiences.

So, some of the things I have done to ease his transition from complete "slackerdom" to "maximum efficient organization" are listed below:

1. Write down in a concise list of orders that HAVE to be completed by a deadline time.


2. Post them where my son can see the list.


3. Post with each item a reward, and a punishment for compliance or non-compliance.


4. Encourage and enforce a clean and tidy room, at least once an hour while we're at home together.


5. Continual stress on "Setting yourself up for success" (ie. laying out school clothes the night before, packing the book bag the night before, bathing the night before, cleaning room before going to bed, ect. ect.)
6. Tying all of the "demands" to one big family oriented reward which will be redeemable at least once every two weeks.

With these things I've recently instituted in my household as of last night after some serious discussion with my children, I hope will bring positive results.

Right now, the dishes are done, the living room is perfect, Jihan's room is very nice and comfortable, and Mik'el Jr.'s room is neat with the exception of his school uniform from the day before where he walked out of it, balled up on the lower bunk of his bed.

That much, I can tolerate, so, I'll definitely keep you all informed about how these things are working.

Let's just call it our little experiment in organization.